I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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