five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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