I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
