you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
