so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
