I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
