it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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