wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
