OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
