Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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