If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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