What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
