It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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