Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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