i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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