I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
