dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
