I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
