Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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