It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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