Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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