if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
