I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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