i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
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How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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