Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
