I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
