Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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