I faked an abortion last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
