i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
