and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Watching her eat just hurts me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
