oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
