Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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