omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
