Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
