I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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