I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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