based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
