he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am midnight drunk by noon
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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