What did we do last night that was yellow?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
