half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize