So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
