she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he laminated a picture of his dick.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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