i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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