last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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