dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
