You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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