Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
