before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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