so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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