Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
