So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize