You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
