Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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