I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
