I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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