The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
