i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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