last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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