id be glad to
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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