I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
